The anxiety is overwhelming. It feels like the life is literally being sucked out of me and I can feel the pressure over every inch of my body. The worst is in my chest. It feels like my soul is being crushed; which is funny, because that is exactly what anxiety is, it is soul crushing. The worry is physically painful, and completely irrational. Until you’ve been there, you really can’t understand how the anxiety, worry, and pain can co-exist with knowing it is all irrational and not being able to do anything about it.
I try to breathe but the pressure is so intense. It’s hard to do anything, to think about anything else. I try to distract myself but the thoughts are all consuming. Yet, life exists outside of my anxiety and life must go on. The need to hide this from everyone else is almost as terrible and trying to do so just makes the feelings more intense. I sit at my desk pretending that everything is ok. Those around me go on with their day, oblivious to the pain flowing through my veins.
I try so hard to cope. I try to rely on my faith. I try to pray, to trust. But even the strongest faith isn’t enough. This fact makes me feel like less of a Christian. Why isn’t my faith enough? I pray for healing, for peace. More often than not it doesn’t come. I don’t understand. Even some understanding would bring a little peace.
Eventually the feelings bubble over and those around me have to take the brunt of my feelings. I say things that hurt those I love and, in doing so, hurt myself. As much as I wish I had a choice whether I feel these things, I don’t. However my loved ones do. And they can choose to leave. Sometimes they do and the pain my heart feels is unlike even the pain the anxiety causes. So many ruined relationships, all my fault.
I know that I can’t do it alone. Those who have weathered the storm help just by still being around. Professionals help too. But their help pushes me to the depths of my emotions. Its hard to feel better. And it’s easy to give up. But I know I can’t. Sometimes I need the anxiety to remind me. I just hope I don’t ruin another relationship in the process of remembering how to cope. Maybe one day, I’ll find the one who will love me enough to stick around through the hard times, long enough to experience how truly beautiful the after can be.
Lourdes says
I feel like I am going through the same thing. Everything is easier said then done but I can tell you what works for me. You have to do what makes you happy you only live once and you are living for you. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them, when your happy everyone around you will see it and be happy for you. It is really hard to find people who truly understand how you feel, but you will find them and not because you are looking for them but them genuinely want to be in your life. You need support more then anything. No one is perfect and life is full of ups and downs just try to stay positive. God bless
Him & Me (But Mostly Me) says
I suffer from anxiety as well. Mostly it is social anxiety but it can turn into anxiety about anything. Everything you said is completely true. I generally don't keep it in. I try to express how I feel to those around me. I'm lucky in that I have a really supportive supervisor at work as well as co-worker who has helped talk me down from so many potential anxiety attacks. I think that is what I would recommend, try not to keep it all inside. I'm here if you ever need to let it out. I'll give you my number so you can text any time if you'd like.
emilyahlbum says
I completely understand your struggle. It is something I struggle with daily and often becomes an obstacle in my relationships :(. Yoga helps, breathing helps, but in the moment it is hard to convince yourself they will help. Stay positive! I applaud you for being so open about this.
Rachel says
Oh sweetie…I don't know the details of what you're going through but I can tell you I have struggled with it my whole life and it hit a boiling point in March. I woke up at 3 am after yet another panic attack and canceled a business trip last minute because I was terrified of having a panic attack ON the plane – not even the flying scared me, but the prospect of having an attack while flying with no where to escape. I was/am literally afraid of fear itself.
I am also a Christian and have tried to rely on my faith but sometimes it isn't enough, and that is hard to explain to people who haven't been there. So that day I went to my doctor and said I needed something, anything. She put me on a daily SSRI and I started cognitive behavioral therapy. That was (hopefully) my low point. I can tell you it's been a struggle but I feel more like myself today than I did that day in March.
Don't want to post too much on your blog but please reach out if you need to talk. I know how isolating the feeling is, living outside your own body. Hang in there. xo.
Courtney says
This is so beautifully written and I completely understand the emotions you're going through as I struggle with this on a daily basis. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way & that you are not any less of a Christian because you struggle.
Brittney, Breaking Free says
((hugs)) I suffer from anxiety too and It can be quite suffocating I hope you are able to find some relief soon.
Ember Grey. says
I have been there, Kristyn – I am so, so sorry you are there right now. I'll be praying for you. You are not alone XO
SarahChristineStyle says
Anxiety truly is a daily struggle. I finally can to terms with that fact recently and started working towards getting healthier (eating better and exercising more and adding in yoga) to work on not only my healthy but the anxiety as well. It will never go away but it can get better. This too shall pass. I believe in you, hang in there.
Laura Ryder says
I can relate to what you say. My husband and I have had a hard year so far. Not relationship problems just seems like one bad thing after the next and that each time it dwarfs what we thought was bad. We have prayed and prayed so much for God to lift this burden but as you said it seems like he does not answer. That makes me feel like I have lack of faith. Makes me feel like I must less of a christian which only causes my heart to hurt more. Yet, through these trials is when God molds us. In the book of Job he says we can not accept joy without understanding the the feeling of pain. God molds us through that pain. I know I have joked with my husband saying I wish God loved me just a little less so we could skip the pain part…but of course I don't truly want that. I know it's so easy to say these things yet they do not make the stress and anxiety any better. Yet God loves you and has a plan. While we do not understand why God allows certain painful things to pass through His hands nothing happens that God does not allow and he will work His good through it all. I pray that this trial is soon over for you and soon you will know the comfort of peace.
Laura @ Mice In the Kitchen
clemenciamarie says
♥
BeachGypsy says
sweetie WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?? ARE YOU OKAY?
The Jessa Olson Blog says
I have been there and going through something similar right now. I'm here for you if you need anything.
Morgan Ashley says
Anxiety is such a difficult thing to deal with. It's even hard to explain it to someone who's never experienced it like this before. Beautifully written.
~M
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